This is from November 21st

Yesterday marked the beginning of me having lived as long without my dad as I did with him. This was not something I thought about until recently. The last thirteen years of my life have been far from easy. Most of the time I confidently know that everything happened as it should but I allow myself at least this one day out of the year to let my emotions run..Sometimes it doesn't stay isolated to just this one day and my grief comes flooding back and slaps me right in my face. I try to tell myself that he's there and he sees everything I do but there is this tiny little voice of human doubt that says "are you sure you felt something or are you just hoping you did" I have a pretty strong faith in God and I can not logically say that when we die that's it there is no more everything just goes black... But the emotions I feel are more then just sadness.... Here would be the point for you to stop reading if being too honest bothers you.... I have a lot of what I guess you could call anger, anger in the fact I feel cheated, I feel my kids were cheated from knowing a real grandpa, my mom was cheated from growing old with the love of her life... Anger that there was not some magic hidden account of money that would take care of my mom until the end of her own beautiful life so that if she had to be solo she could at least do it with no stress... Im angry at the way this situation and loss seemed to drain the liveliness from the vibrant woman I once knew, and now I can't figure her out anymore.. Im also angry at the way certain people waited until he died to take advantage of the emptiness of an innocent girls heart, and change her life forever causing her not to trust anyone and almost spiral out of control before she woke up and said this is not how my life will go. I could say that his death tore my family apart but after years of emotional outburst I have come to realize that if a family fails it was never a true family in the first place and the members of it at some point stopped caring for the others as a unit and cared only for themselves as individuals, some of these actions can stem from the grief of losing such an imperative part of the family unit and then regress as the grief process continues. However sometime the loss can bring forth true feelings that would have otherwise remain hidden and a new personality erupts from the person showing their true colors. At the end of the day I have very few people I choose to be around and blood no longer carries this immense responsibility for me to love you let alone like you. My dad always told me "your friends are in your pocket, when your pockets empty your friends are gone" at the tender age of 14 when my "friends" seemed to be the center of my universe this statement seemed absurd, what do you mean these people who say friends forever aren't always going to be there? but alas... so very right he was... Another emotion that I often feel is jealousy, jealousy for those that still get to call their dad on Father's day, for those who's dad walked them down the isle on their wedding day... jealousy for all those girls that have a stronger confidence because they know no matter how many heart breaks they go through they are still the most beautiful girl in the world in their Daddy's eyes... So for now I just wonder what life would be like if I could just change that one little part with out changing the rest... I love you Daddy forever and always I will never forget how much you loved me. And every time I accomplish a goal I look around for a moment hoping for a sign that you are there and I have made you proud.